Wrote by Pitcher
We were watching the sun sut together
You sit on the bed, I was beside you, standing while watching you
What was the color?
I think it was orange, a bit yellow-ish
It was weird, the atmosphere
You seem like having a hard time
I even need to help you adjusting your sit
It was few hours before you lose your consciousness, you don't talk. No, you can't talk.
The window, the room, the bed, and the drugs. It was suffocating.
Wrote by Pitcher
Tunggu saja sampai dia ditusuk oleh orangnya sendiri. Sewaktu si A yang pegang kendali rasanya aman-aman saja, eh sekarang setelah berganti kok malah jadi semrawut begini.
Kira-kira begitu potongan obrolan yang kudengar. Sebagian ikan yang berenang di permukaan mungkin menganggap bahwa semua ikan lainnya sudah mengetahui caranya bernafas tidak dengan insang atau mungkin lebih tepatnya mereka mungkin berpikiran bahwa semua ikan pasti paham kalau di permukaan air ada predator-predator yang bentuknya berbeda. Nyatanya tidak semua ikan paham hal tersebut dan tidak semua ikan juga berani untuk menggapai permukaan. Sehingga tercipta banyak rumor di bawah laut sana tentang predator di atas air, di darat dan rumor yang mengatakan bahwa kalau sudah sampai di permukaan sana mereka bisa merasakan bernafas tanpa insang. Bohong, semuanya omong kosong.
Bahkan tidak satupun ikan yang pernah berpikir untuk itu karena insting yang ada pada mereka terbatas untuk bertahan hidup, untuk memangsa atau dimangsa, untuk bereproduksi atau mati. Lebih kurang seperti itu. Jadi kenapa dengan ikan? Aku berusaha untuk menyoroti dangkalnya bayangan mereka bahwa di luar air, di permukaan sana, ada dunia yang lebih baik dan terdapat kehidupan yang berbeda. Benar memang berbeda, tetapi apakah akan lebih baik? Aku tidak menyebut diri pandai karena pengalaman hidup yang belum seberapa ditambah karakter yang tertutup membuatku mungkin tidak seintensif orang lain dalam bertukar pikiran dan semacamnya. Terlalu banyak kontraksi, dorongan dari dalam juga kemudian masih harus memperhitungkan faktor-faktor luar. Sebab tempat ini bukan milik seorang saja, ada banyak nyawa, beribu bahkan berjuta wajah, mau dikemanakan?
Pun aku tidak menyebut diri ini enggan untuk menjadi lebih baik tapi lagi-lagi bukankah harusnya tidak ada pemaksaan? sudah terlalu keruh untuk ditelaah--bukan berarti tidak bisa. Ada yang mengusung kebebasan tapi kemudian akan bertentangan dengan kepercayaan yang lain. Seorang guru pernah berkata bahwa kebebasan itu semu, tidak ada yang benar-benar bebas. Bebasmu selalu dibatasi oleh kebebasan yang lain. Begitu rupanya, masih ada batas juga dalam kebebasan. Kemudian harus bagaimana? asimilasi berakhir belas kasih, inginnya supaya bisa setara, karena memang seharusnya kita setara, tapi yang selalu mereka bilang adalah tentang "suara mayoritas" kemudian memerjuangkan yang minoritas sedikit tersendat rasanya...
Wrote by Pitcher
To start a new day. For me, this means a lot. I've been woke up pretty late for the last one week and I guess I need to change that before it become a habit. That being said, I am successfully getting out of my bed at 05:30. I was surprised. Well I usually did the same at home but when you live alone it's just don't work. Let me elaborate. By living on your own, in a place separately from your family, and having that space where you are the one who make the rule waking up early in the morning is as tough as choosing your meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
But I did this, I win my self. Alright long story short, I decided to go to the local market (well it took me almost thirty minutes to think whether to go there or not) by foot. Shook? please don't. I went to the market and bought banana, papaya, sweet potato, pumpkin, and had a breakfast before going back home. I should have done this regularly. The market is less than ten minutes by foot and it's way cheaper than a supermarket. The reason I decided to go to the market was because I want to start to make my own food and had a balance kind of nutrition. My eating habit is such a wreck. Constantly eating spicy food, less veggies, less fruits, and an unfixed eating time. I've making my health more worse I guess. The thing is I am actually can't eat any spicy food anymore or acidic thing in general. But yeah spicy food is just that good :'))
At least I tried to change that habit. A little. At noon I went to a food court with my friend and we were having a warm and nice waffle with an ice cream on top and a blueberry sauce. Here's the funny thing. I used to think that the blueberry sauce was a melted clue cheese because the owner write "blue cheese" on the menu but then after a while I realized that it is a BLUEBERRY SAUCE with a cheese on the side, separately. It's really nice to meet her again after graduation. We were talking about job hunting, and how life has going on for both of us. I told her that I have applied to ten company and seven of them reject me. But hey we're just the same haha
It's currently 10:34 P.M and that is pretty much the thing that I do for today. I just wanna stay positive about things that happen and will happen in the future. Let's see what tomorrow has.
But I did this, I win my self. Alright long story short, I decided to go to the local market (well it took me almost thirty minutes to think whether to go there or not) by foot. Shook? please don't. I went to the market and bought banana, papaya, sweet potato, pumpkin, and had a breakfast before going back home. I should have done this regularly. The market is less than ten minutes by foot and it's way cheaper than a supermarket. The reason I decided to go to the market was because I want to start to make my own food and had a balance kind of nutrition. My eating habit is such a wreck. Constantly eating spicy food, less veggies, less fruits, and an unfixed eating time. I've making my health more worse I guess. The thing is I am actually can't eat any spicy food anymore or acidic thing in general. But yeah spicy food is just that good :'))
At least I tried to change that habit. A little. At noon I went to a food court with my friend and we were having a warm and nice waffle with an ice cream on top and a blueberry sauce. Here's the funny thing. I used to think that the blueberry sauce was a melted clue cheese because the owner write "blue cheese" on the menu but then after a while I realized that it is a BLUEBERRY SAUCE with a cheese on the side, separately. It's really nice to meet her again after graduation. We were talking about job hunting, and how life has going on for both of us. I told her that I have applied to ten company and seven of them reject me. But hey we're just the same haha
It's currently 10:34 P.M and that is pretty much the thing that I do for today. I just wanna stay positive about things that happen and will happen in the future. Let's see what tomorrow has.
Wrote by Pitcher
Alright here's the thing, on December 2019 I graduated from uni and I have no idea that I'll be feeling this clue less about what to do in my life. Well not completely that clue less. I got a plan, no, plans. Number one and the most foremost is of course get myself a job and make money. But bruh this shit is hard. It's only February but I haven't got any offer yet. I tried, I really am trying.
Real talk, I still confuse whether to work or just continue my study but one thing for sure is that I don't have any bucks to pursue master degree. My plan is to get a scholarship and go abroad. But hey look I am very lack of qualification and am not even confident to apply. Funny. How I see myself back then but look now I'm not more than a beggar to my mother. I can't even support myself for a food.
Since I am unemployed and my day is just full of shit of doing nothing productive, I will write and publish one article per day. Let's make it real.
Real talk, I still confuse whether to work or just continue my study but one thing for sure is that I don't have any bucks to pursue master degree. My plan is to get a scholarship and go abroad. But hey look I am very lack of qualification and am not even confident to apply. Funny. How I see myself back then but look now I'm not more than a beggar to my mother. I can't even support myself for a food.
Since I am unemployed and my day is just full of shit of doing nothing productive, I will write and publish one article per day. Let's make it real.
Wrote by Pitcher
One day before 2019 actually coming, I think I need to recall all things that happened this year.
2018 has been a special year, probably? I could say it just like the other year but that just me being not thankful and slightly selfish. At this moment, right at this very last day of 2018 I would like to appreciate and thankful for what I have achieved in this year. Good things somehow always followed by not-so-lucky time that bring unluckiness. Anyway, those are what I thankful for. think I've grown more and more throughout the year. It feels like I knew myself better now. However, in this year I've done two things on bucket list.
Whats in my bucket list?
Wrote by Pitcher
Untuk kalian yang belum bisa berdamai dengan diri sendiri, bertahanlah. Entah masalah seperti apa itu, aku percaya tiap-tiap dari kita punya dan pasti akan menemukan jalan keluar masing-masing.
Berdamai dengan diri sendiri.
Zaki lagi-lagi tenggelam dalam kalut. Perasaan tidak menentu yang terus mengikutinya. Bukan tidak mengetahui sebab daripadanya. Dia paham betul sebabnya tetapi entah kenapa semuanya terasa begitu rumit untuk perempuan yang baru saja di awal dua puluhan itu.
Sekembalinya dia dari rumah, yang pertama didapati adalah kesunyian. Sepi, dia merasa sendiri. Semakin sadarlah dia kalau sebenarnya dia begitu cengeng, begitu lemah. Dari kecil tidak pernah tinggal terpisah dengan orangtua membuatnya tidak menyadari bahwa rasa rindu itu benar adanya. Dipikirnya dia tidak bisa merasa rindu. Baru dua hari kembali, air matanya sudah jatuh tidak karuan. Berat ternyata.
Bukan soal rumah dalam arti sebuah bangunan. Melainkan penghuni dan setiap waktu bersama yang terlewati memang begitu membekas. Tidak ada yang mewah atau terlampau istimewa. Hanya keseharian penuh warna dalam sebuah keluarga. Teriakan di kala subuh bahkan sampai perintah yang sering memunculkan rasa enggan. Perasaan aman, tenang dan tanpa kekhawatiran karena benar-benar berada di rumah. Dia semakin dapat menyadari bahwa ikatan dia dengan rumah begitu erat. Ingin rasanya pulang.
Nyatanya Zaki punya banyak alasan yang menahannya di tempat ini. Tumbuh dengan membaca banyak pengalaman orang-orang hebat yang membanggakan membuatnya ingin menjadi satu dari mereka. Besar angannya. Bersekolah sampai tinggal dan menetap di luar negeri. Mendapat beasiswa di sekolah bergengsi. Kompetisi-kompetisi dunia. Singkatnya ia ingin dikenal. Dia ingin orang-orang tahu siapa dia. Tidak memandangnya rendah dan sebelah mata. Dia percaya kalau dia punya kemampuan dan memang bisa untuk menwujudkan impian-impian itu. Kau tahu apa yang lucu? Dia bahkan tahu harus menempuh jalan mana dan langkah yang harus diambil.
Bodoh.
Pikirannya tidak karuan. Entah kenapa Zaki selalu punya beribu pertimbangan dan alasan. Dari mana datangnya juga tidak jelas. Yang pasti benar adalah dia terpengaruh. Melihat orang-orang yang dianggapnya punya kemampuan luar biasa dia menjadi kecil diri. Menghindar dari kerumunan. Rasanya seperti mereka memberikan tatapan yang tidak mengenakkan hati. Padahal hanya perasaannya saja. Tidak lebih. Jarang bersuara karena pikirnya dia tidak didengarkan. Pikirannya ditolak membuat dia tidak senang. Yang selalu jadi pertanyaannya adalah apakah mereka tidak menyukainya? Apakah dia terlihat aneh?
Zaki pikir dia memberikan kesan yang mengintimidasi sehingga orang-orang enggan untuk bicara dengannya. Sungguh keadaan terkadang bisa jadi lebih buruk. Dia benar-benar mencoba untuk mengindari kerumunan orang baru. Ayolah mereka bahkan belum mengenalnya. Terus kenapa menghindar? Dia tidak cukup buruk untuk berkenalan tapi dari perkenalan itu yang sering dia dapati adalah orang-orang itu lama kelamaan menjadi lebih dekat dengan yang lainnya. Dia seolah lebih mudah untuk dilupakan dan menjadi terlupakan.
Pikirnya, mungkin dia bukan tipe yang sesuai untuk mereka ini. Tekanan yang dia rasakan sangat mempengaruhinya. Dan ketika tiap orang punya caranya masing-masing untuk mengatasi perasaan tertekan itu, Zaki termasuk yang paling buruk. Keluar dari zona nyaman. Ah dia sadar kalau dia sudah selangkah di luar itu dan membuatnya tidak nyaman. Keadan ini membuatnya memilih untuk lebih sering sendiri dengan pikirannya. Zaki terkurung dalam emosinya dan dia merasa sendiri.
Wrote by Pitcher