Zaki’s mind…
Once I feel something ain't goes the way it ought to be then I start to turn people into stranger which is blocking my way to communicate with them ever again. I hold myself back, compromising about pride, about his/her respond, about others opinion, about tomorrow and many other things that bother me a lot, just to say hi.
Once I start to realize that I couldn't be another person rather than myself. I mean how can I come up with other personality just to be accepted by these people. To be like this and that, based on their standard. Frankly speaking, I could say that it wasn't them who pushes me but myself does and I hate that fact. I hate the way myself always trying to be somebody else that never be me. I mean with that kind of life, with my palm face, "ansos", too much consideration, afraid of taking a risk and all those stuff. Somehow I feel like I was in a box sitting by myself, having my own world, imagine everything, having a conversation with thousand people that never be real, it just happened. I enjoyed to be alone, I don't find it boring.
I don't really like a big crowd, I cannot stand with it, don't know how to enjoy "holiday" because all I know is spending my time at home, being home with people that I used to live with that I consider the most. I hate the way people set up so many random stereotypes about how to really have fun, I mean really. I'm full of hatred sometimes, envious and that kind of random feeling toward my friend, stranger. I know I'm weird. I blame myself for that, I ruined everything. I mean seriously none of my planned going the way it has to be. It just a total mess. People might think I'm weird, an ambitious bitch, a useless one. I judge myself. I was making like a good planned before I move to this big city, like in the first year I will do this and blah blah blah, so on I will join this, making a lot of that, build connection à I was telling my friend tho! but look, here I am now. the one who cannot deal with her self, still struggling with her self, people, dream, fearless, judgment, everything.
I think I have to say this, I hate people. just the way they giving so much burden on myself that I have to be like this and that. I'm not that type who really care but once I do it just hit me a lot. considering about people opinion, the way they scanning me, making me feel like I have to change this or the way I have to be like that. People may find me like unapproachable, unfriendly, cold, way too serious and yes I would briefly say that I acknowledge that. But, through all these words I do not say that I cannot get along with people. I just cannot get too close to people or suddenly become a friend with a stranger. I myself is needing time to be there. Honestly, even though sometimes I become curious with people but it just ain't so right for me to go too deep with her/his life. I remind myself that I have a wall between me and other. There something I have to tell and some are not. That what I called as privacy. I keep my own secret even though I feel like I want to scream because I want to tell other but in the end, I'll keep it myself. Do u know why? because they are human. That mouth, ears, mind that you can't control nor wishes to control. You just can't. They're scary, they tell you not to tell others but they do. they telling you it just between you and his/her self but other still knew it anyway. They turn to be a group of people that faking everything. Nor do myself--that is why I hold myself back not to get too close because they will start to tell you about his or her story that you have to keep but could turn differently when you find them bother you. I just hate the way they making fun of my secret. It is not easy for me to believe in someone, it takes time. Despite my lack ability to have small talks and craving myself in my comfort zone I still want to know people just because I still believe that I could value some of them.
Here is the thing, I cannot focus on my target, I lost. I feel like a lost arrows somehow, I could be ended up in a wrong target or perhaps cracking up on the ground. Which path should I follow? Should I be there with them? Shouldn't I make my own way? Skepticism, hesitation, ungrateful, lost. That is how I could describe myself, at least for now.
Once I start to realize that I couldn't be another person rather than myself. I mean how can I come up with other personality just to be accepted by these people. To be like this and that, based on their standard. Frankly speaking, I could say that it wasn't them who pushes me but myself does and I hate that fact. I hate the way myself always trying to be somebody else that never be me. I mean with that kind of life, with my palm face, "ansos", too much consideration, afraid of taking a risk and all those stuff. Somehow I feel like I was in a box sitting by myself, having my own world, imagine everything, having a conversation with thousand people that never be real, it just happened. I enjoyed to be alone, I don't find it boring.
I don't really like a big crowd, I cannot stand with it, don't know how to enjoy "holiday" because all I know is spending my time at home, being home with people that I used to live with that I consider the most. I hate the way people set up so many random stereotypes about how to really have fun, I mean really. I'm full of hatred sometimes, envious and that kind of random feeling toward my friend, stranger. I know I'm weird. I blame myself for that, I ruined everything. I mean seriously none of my planned going the way it has to be. It just a total mess. People might think I'm weird, an ambitious bitch, a useless one. I judge myself. I was making like a good planned before I move to this big city, like in the first year I will do this and blah blah blah, so on I will join this, making a lot of that, build connection à I was telling my friend tho! but look, here I am now. the one who cannot deal with her self, still struggling with her self, people, dream, fearless, judgment, everything.
I think I have to say this, I hate people. just the way they giving so much burden on myself that I have to be like this and that. I'm not that type who really care but once I do it just hit me a lot. considering about people opinion, the way they scanning me, making me feel like I have to change this or the way I have to be like that. People may find me like unapproachable, unfriendly, cold, way too serious and yes I would briefly say that I acknowledge that. But, through all these words I do not say that I cannot get along with people. I just cannot get too close to people or suddenly become a friend with a stranger. I myself is needing time to be there. Honestly, even though sometimes I become curious with people but it just ain't so right for me to go too deep with her/his life. I remind myself that I have a wall between me and other. There something I have to tell and some are not. That what I called as privacy. I keep my own secret even though I feel like I want to scream because I want to tell other but in the end, I'll keep it myself. Do u know why? because they are human. That mouth, ears, mind that you can't control nor wishes to control. You just can't. They're scary, they tell you not to tell others but they do. they telling you it just between you and his/her self but other still knew it anyway. They turn to be a group of people that faking everything. Nor do myself--that is why I hold myself back not to get too close because they will start to tell you about his or her story that you have to keep but could turn differently when you find them bother you. I just hate the way they making fun of my secret. It is not easy for me to believe in someone, it takes time. Despite my lack ability to have small talks and craving myself in my comfort zone I still want to know people just because I still believe that I could value some of them.
Here is the thing, I cannot focus on my target, I lost. I feel like a lost arrows somehow, I could be ended up in a wrong target or perhaps cracking up on the ground. Which path should I follow? Should I be there with them? Shouldn't I make my own way? Skepticism, hesitation, ungrateful, lost. That is how I could describe myself, at least for now.
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Zaki
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