Attacking the night

When people are having fun, you could find me on the corner of the room, trying to get someone to take me out from the crowd. How I hate to be there, to feel like I'm alone within the crowd. The laugh and conversation I can't go through. One thing that suddenly comes to my mind is I can see my limit. The limit of socializing and be in the crowd. I guess that is why I better be in the small group rather than pushing my self to stand in the crowd. Don't judge me. I do try to fit my self for couples of times, trying to get into their conversation and jokes, laughing but still, I ain't feel comfortable. 

I watch people. Observe to be specific. 

I do not plan to break the wall. This night, a friend told me that she finally broke her wall. Out from her comfort zone, be braver than she had imagined before. She did it. 

I just cannot fake it. Grade, school, friends, parents, people, love, want everything. As time passes by I feel like I do not have any hope left. To be like I dreamed to be, be in the place I had imagined, I do not feel confident. At this point, I just want to run away. Low self-esteem, they said. Insecure, they said. I do not know how I can come to this point. I always wondering like, am I always like this? ever since I feel like I'm not. I guess I am. I feel like I could understand what path should I take right now, for tomorrow. To be honest, this feeling is disgusting, silly. I'm ashamed right now. After all, isn't it a part of life living. You get hurt, happy, disappointed, sad. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but I need a rest.